My unicorn got run over by a tractor

Ow! OOOOOWWW! Help! Help! Somebody help me! I'm being attacked by--by filthy squirrels!

*chittering*

What do you mean, 'We do this every Satur--' The squirrels can talk. I can understand the squirrels. Why, I always knew that I was special! And you want me to 'Just read the notes'? I can do that! I'm not much for reading, you know, but some little piffling notes will be no trouble! La, what a lark.

*silence*

*chittering*

I'm reading the notes! Just like you--oh, you want me to read them aloud, into this black thing...squirrels are so very odd. And you want me to say that these are from the school? All right, then. Here we go. Relax and Chill--that's a class? That's a class--watched a film, whatever that is, and Galactic Tourism went to Coruscant. I don't know what a galactic is or a Coruscant, but I hope a grand time was had on tour. Miss Smith and Mr. Rand discussed their familiarity with the place, and Mr. Rand asked Miss Beniko to accompany him to New York for the week end. That's far too far to go for such a short amount of time. I suspect these squirrels of writing nonsense! But I am bound to obey them lest they snatch out all my hair. Lord, I do suffer so. In First Aid Mr. Thor told the students what to do if someone suffers a broken bone, or a shock. I shall simply call for help very loudly.

Those are all the notes from the school, so I shall move along to the--

*chittering*

'Tell them--' Who's 'them?'

*chittering*

People are listening to this?! I--hello, mysterious audience. The squirrels oblige me to tell you that there are no notes from the dormitory, and I believe that very odd-looking bird is sad about it for some reason. There are, however, notes from the town, and I shall read them now in the hopes that my captors will release me. I don't know where George is and why he has not rescued me yet. It seems that a Miss Skywalker was at a warehouse where woodchucks were trying to get into the food. What is it with rodents in this place? Dean Skywalker and Miss Skywalker discussed his daughter before Miss Skywalker went home for an evening with her friend Miss Smith discussing Miss Smith's recent romantic complications. Oh, I do so love a romantic complication! Tell me more!

*annoyed chittering*

These talking squirrels are no fun. Miss Zarrin was hard at work at Plant Parenthood, it seems, whilst Mr. Argentum attempted 'yo yo tricks' at Turtle & Canary. Dr. Quinn found a statue at Needful Things highly suspicious, and at the Trooper Station Detective Watts received a floral arrangement courtesy of Mr. Grant. How odd. Did someone die? No matter, because we've the last note,which says that Captain Flint opened The Ink Spot, and now I'm finished, can I be free?

*chittering*

Thank heavens. I probably have some dreadful rodent disease now.

*sounds of complaining getting fainter and fainter in the distance until a squirrel shuts off the mic*